So a month off from Stitch Fix was good for me (and my wallet), I think, but I was very very excited to see that my fix was on the way this month! Maybe it's because I just KonMari'd my whole closet, but I'm kind of needing some shirts that are good quality and, you know, actually fit me.
Read MoreI know it's been a while since I posted anything in my "trying new things" series...but I get a break for birthing a child, right? And then another one for adjusting to life with said child? And then another one to catch up on some sleep? And another for the holidays? And then maybe a final one, just for good measure?
Yeah, I totally do.
Read MoreChristmas has been missing for me this year. I'm sitting here, writing this by the light of our Christmas tree, which part of me, somewhere, knows is one of my favorite lights in the whole world...but it's missing. Something is missing.
Read MoreHey, I got another
!
As you might recall, Stitch Fix is currently on probation for me. I actually ended up keeping absolutely nothing from my
(sad, I know). It was the first time it's happened, but it kind of scars you for life.
Read MoreIt seems like various stages in life come with a set of questions that you can plan on being asked by just about everyone.
Read MoreAnother month, another
!
Does everyone know what
is? Just in case you haven't heard, here's how it works:
{about stitch fix}
is an online styling/shopping service. For a $20 fee, they send you five clothing or accessory pieces that a personal stylist has chosen just for you, based on your style profile, special notes to your stylist, and even your Pinterest boards. When you receive your box, you can choose to buy as many of the items as you want, and then return what you don't want in your return bag (postage is prepaid!). Your $20 styling fee applies to anything you purchase, and if you love everything, you get a 25% discount on your entire box!
So basically, it's a ton of fun. You can choose to receive just one box (no subscription required!), or you can subscribe to receive boxes every 2-3 weeks, monthly, every other month, or quarterly. Basically, when you need a fix, you can get one. That sounds weird, but whatever.
also offers petite and maternity options now, which I've taken advantage of for the past several months. Check them out, if you want: months
,
,
,
, and
.
{my stitch fix - october 2015}
I'm not gonna lie: I've been struggling with my wardrobe a bit lately. I'm literally a milk-making machine, so I'm quite a bit bigger (ahem) up top (ahem) than much of my clothing allows for. I've also got a lovely little tummy pooch that I'm trying to have patience with...but not
too
much patience. So I'm kind of in a weird, transitional spot. Let's see if any of my pieces from this month accommodate that.
Fun2Fun Vimmy Front Pocket Top ($48)
first impressions:
I like the pattern, and I like the Fall-ish colors. And it's a button down, which gets two thumbs up from this nursing mama. Crossing my fingers for this one.
on me:
thoughts:
Well, dang. I really do love the shirt, but the fit just isn't
quite
right. A little too small up top, and a tiny bit too short. It's also not one that I would find occasion to wear very often; it's not stretchy or breathable, so it would be strictly "date night" and I just can't justify it.
RETURN.
Market & Spruce Sawyer Space Dye Dolman Sleeve Knit Top ($58)
first impressions:
I know "space dye" is kind of a thing right now, but I'm just not sure I love it. I do love a good maroon, though!
on me:
thoughts:
Man, oh man, if only I liked this print! I might even like it if the color was a little more muted, but as it is, the "space dye-ness" of it is a little too in-your-face. But it's a shame, because it's super comfy and fits well!
RETURN.
Loveappella Lany Envelope Back Knit Top ($48)
first impressions:
Peek-a-boo stripes? 3/4 sleeve? Long, soft, flowy shirt? I think I'm in love.
on me:
thoughts:
SO TORN. The "envelope" back is extreme and (in my humble opinion) kind of weird. I don't think it would make me self conscious enough to not wear the shirt, but I don't love it. I DO love everything else about it though. I'm sure I would wear it often.
UNDECIDED.
41Hawthorn Abrianna Longsleeve Knit Cardigan ($48)
first impressions:
Nice, but pretty basic. I do have a navy cardigan already, but mine has buttons and this one is open, so this one has a little more "dress-up" potential.
on me:
thoughts:
This thing is soft! And flattering! Ugh, it's really nice. I'm tempted, but I'm so not sure because of the other cardigan I have!
UNDECIDED.
Pixley Kathy Striped Fit and Flare Dress ($68)
first impressions:
This is going to be too short. Way too short.
on me:
Nope. Not happening.
thoughts:
Not only was the dress too short, but it was also way too small up top. This could totally be cute on someone...but not on me.
RETURN.
{verdict}
This is probably my third box in a row that has been very, very "close." For the past few boxes, the style has been on point, but the fit just doesn't make the grade. Unfortunately, this one was probably the least successful of the three, since there isn't really a clear "keep."
And also unfortunately, it makes me wonder a little bit if my Stitch Fix days are numbered. I have loved getting these boxes so much, but I don't want to keep getting them if they're not sending things I'm crazy about! Perhaps I'm just too picky for Stitch Fix.
I'll give it another month, for sure, but I think Stitch Fix is effectively on probation.
{If you'd like to try Stitch Fix, consider signing up through the links in this post, or
. These links give me a little credit with Stitch Fix, so we'll be best friends. Not that we aren't already. Crap, this just got awkward.}
So there I was, almost entirely positive that I was finally in labor. These contractions were different. They were down low in my hips. They were achy and painful rather than just tight. And I'd had more than one of them! I was pretty sure that this was happening, and I was thrilled.
Dallin responded with a "Great!" and he got up right away. I decided to get in the shower, because (1) I really needed a shower, and (2) I wanted to make sure that the contractions weren't going away, even with a change in position or whatever. And Dallin, who we had already decided would be in charge of logistics when "the time came," started working out the plans for our other kids. He called his sister, who would take Maddy and Parker, sent out some work emails telling people he wouldn't be in that day, and started getting the kids up and ready.
The thing you have to understand is this: I was pretty sure, at this point, that we had time. And not just time --
hours
. During my labor with Parker, I had contractions like these for
hours
at home. I was honestly planning on having time to get ready, helping get Maddy and Charly off to school (probably with a tearful goodbye because let's face it, everything was making me cry those days), and heading off to the hospital once everything was under control. I mean, we weren't exactly taking our time or anything, but we were definitely not rushing at this point. My contractions were still fairly spread out, and mostly manageable: only every third or fourth one was particularly painful. I was
sure
that we had time.
So I got in the shower. Again, I didn't take my time, but I didn't necessarily hurry. I was in there for about 10 minutes, and I probably had 3 contractions during it. At 6:04, I sent a text to my mom, telling her I was in labor and was getting dressed to go to the hospital.
As I started getting ready, I started feeling like maybe we should expedite things a little bit, and in retrospect, my actions reflected that. I threw on an easy dress instead of hunting for still-fitting pants (hard to find those days). I started blow drying my hair, but stopped after my bangs. I put makeup on (yep, you guys, I'm that shallow), but only powder and mascara. I probably spent about 12 minutes getting ready...which sounds very specific, but as it turns out, every minute counted. The kids were in and out of the room, obviously a little curious as to why I would stop moving or talking every 3-4 minutes. Once the moaning started, they even seemed a little scared (poor traumatized children!), but we kept things moving.
At some point, I told Dallin we were going to need to go sooner than we thought. He called his sister and told her to head over now. (By the way, Dallin was seriously a rock star, you guys. He got the kids up and dressed, made all the arrangements for them, got the bag together, supported me, and stayed calm and collected through everything. I love him. For reals.)
So at this point, it's about 6:18, and I'm feeling these contractions. Again, only every third or fourth one is truly PAINFUL with a capital PAINFUL (yes, the whole thing should be capitalized). I was still, honestly, not freaked out. Yes, I was definitely in labor. Yes, it was definitely time to go to the hospital. Yes, I'd be getting that epidural asap, thank you very much. But I was still thinking I'd labor for a while at the hospital before the baby came. I
still
felt like we had time.
A few more minutes of that, and Dallin's sister (Danielle) came. He also called our neighbor to come get Charly, who goes to the same preschool as our neighbor's little boy. I came downstairs to help Danielle get everything together for Maddy's school, and to help get her lunch ready. While pulling things out of the pantry, I had a bad contraction. I groaned through it, and Danielle assured me she could take care of the lunch.
Not even a minute later, another contraction hit. But this one was different. This one scared the crap out of me. Because when it hit, I wanted to push.
I was standing in my kitchen, with my daughter and my sister-in-law, and I had a super sudden, strong urge to birth a baby. Right there.
Hashtag not okay.
"AAAAGH Dallin we have to GOOOO!" was basically what came out of my mouth.
He came running down the stairs, handed me the keys, and told me to wait until the contraction was over and then go get in the car. He'd get the bag and would be right there.
So the contraction ended and I hurried out to the car. I made to the driveway when another contraction came. I leaned on the car for support and couldn't help yelling. (Sorry, neighbors!) But holy crap, it hurt. What the heck?! When did this happen?! It ended, and I got in the car.
Another one hit, and my body pushed. I grabbed onto the handle inside the car...
(Side note: I just tried to look up if that handle has an actual name, and apparently in many circles it is called the "Oh sh**" handle, which was definitely appropriate for this current moment, and definitely appropriate for the moment during the car ride a bit later.... when I actually said those words. Yep, I did. Side note over.)
...and braced myself. I saw our neighbor running into our house to pick up Charly; she gave me a thumbs up on the way in and I have no idea what I did back. Probably grimaced, but possibly flipped her off? (I kid, I didn't flip her off...right, Megan?)
After approximately an eternity, Dallin came running out of the house with the suitcase. He threw it in the trunk, jumped in, and sped off.
We had just turned off the street when I felt a weird "pop" and a solid gush of fluid.
"Dallin, my water just broke!"
Now, my water breaking is no joke. When my water broke with Maddy, I was fully dilated and about to start pushing. My water didn't break with Parker until he was freaking BORN. So, suffice it to say, my water breaking was a big, big deal.
Dallin sped on. Another contraction. A TON of pressure.
"Dallin, she's coming! She's coming!" I was yelling. I'm not going to lie: I was freaking out. How the heck was this happening to me? I was going to have a baby in the car?! No! I don't have babies in cars! I get epidurals in hospitals and then sit around bored for hours waiting to be fully dilated so my doctor can tell me when to push! That's how I give birth! Not in a Yaris!
"Should I pull over?" he asked.
"NO! GO!"
And he went. Man, he went. He flew down the main street out of our neighborhood, passing someone (note: there was no passing lane), and not stopping before turning onto the main road. I had another contraction. More pressure. This baby wanted OUT.
Dallin called the hospital to let them know we were coming. If he's telling the story, he'll tell you that the receptionist that answered sounded like a young "dude" who was super bored with his job ("Banner Gateway, where can I direct your call?") and when he finally got on the line with maternity, he yelled "My wife is in labor. We're coming in hot!" which would have been hilarious if I hadn't been trying to, you know, not give birth.
Also after-the-fact hilarious was that at some point during that drive, he told me that I was making his dream come true (referring to the "justified" speeding, because he was
booking
it). In the moment, I thought up some witty response about this dream about to become a nightmare, but didn't have a chance to actually say it out loud because another contraction hit.
It took everything in me to stay calm (and it didn't really work). It also took everything in me to NOT PUSH. I was literally grasping the "Oh sh**" handle, and saying "Don't push, Katie. Don't push, Katie. DON'T PUSH!" I could feel every contraction coming on. I could feel the baby putting insane pressure on my pelvis. This was totally, unbelievably, happening.
Getting to the hospital was something of a blur. I know we had to make a left turn to get into the parking lot, and Dallin had to honk and maneuver his way around a bit to pass people and run a red arrow to get in there. He zoomed up to the entrance and there was a triage nurse waiting with a wheelchair.
"Can you get out of the car?"
I could. They got me on there and literally ran me inside, asking questions along the way:
"Have your membranes ruptured?"
Yes!
"How many weeks are you?"
Over 41!
"What were you dilated to at your last appointment?"
Yesterday I was 4 cm, 90% effaced!
I was yelling. Another contraction. I had to push. I heard her call on her walkie:
"I need an L and D room!"
She obviously didn't quite get the response she wanted, because then she said "No, just what room is clean?!"
We made it to the room. We'd somehow picked up some more nurses along the way, and the first nurse was relaying all the info I'd given her to them.
Someone asked, "Can you get on the bed?"
In retrospect, I'm kind of like, come on, I'd made it that far; of course I was getting on the bed and not giving birth in a wheelchair right
next
to the bed. Please.
So with a good amount of help, I got on the bed. Pretty sure I was still yelling.
Dress up, undies off. Another contraction. A bad one.
"I have to push!"
"Yep, you're baby's coming!"
At this point, in the span of about 20 seconds, I remember having three distinct thoughts:
(1) I am so relieved to be in a hospital, on a bed, with medical professionals present. This is going to be okay.
(2) I don't have a birth roar. Do I need a birth roar? Isn't that like, a requirement for women giving birth without meds? I guess we'll just see what comes out.
(3) RING OF FIRE?! Crap, that's about to happen.
And it did happen. Right about then.
"Slow down!" they yelled. "Just breathe through it."
I don't know how I did, but I did. I stopped yelling and I breathed (so much for the birth roar). This was happening. I could do it. Even if I couldn't do it, I
was
doing it.
"Head's out! Take a look!"
And there she was. One more little push, and there was the rest of her.
She was so big! And so clean, and so pink. She had a ton of hair and she cried right away.
I looked at Dallin. He was crying. I think I was in too much shock to cry, but I was saying "Oh my gosh!" over and over.
They handed me my beautiful baby girl, saying we needed to be skin-to-skin right away since the warmer in the room wasn't, well, warm.
We had to piece together what time to put as the time she was born, because no one had been watching the clock. Based on when Dallin had called, our best guess was 6:36 AM.
I was still in my dress. My hair was still wet from my shower. Yet there I was, holding my sweet baby, just about an hour after my very first contraction.
It was odd, doing everything backwards. We still had to be admitted, so we had to answer all the usual questions...just while already holding the new baby. I had to change into a hospital gown. My doctor got there and took care of all the gross stuff. I had to have an IV put in because I'd had moderate postpartum hemorrhaging with Parker, so they got me started on pitocin. They actually gave me a couple shots in my leg, and I remember thinking "If I'd had that epidural, I wouldn't have felt those." Not that those little pokes were painful after, you know, childbirth...it's just a funny thought.
I've had many people ask "what it was like" to give birth unmedicated. Honestly, it's mostly a huge blur, which makes it seem like it wasn't that bad. I'm sure it probably would have seemed a lot worse if I'd been laboring for hours. As it was, the absolute worst part was the fear that I would give birth in the car, and the effort (physical and mental) that it took to NOT push. It was terrifying and just downright hard. While I know now that everything was completely fine and that the baby was perfectly healthy and would have been even if she HAD been born in the car... that doesn't change the fact that it was incredibly scary in the moment. What if something had been wrong? We'd have been mostly helpless until we got to the hospital. But once we got there, once I felt safe pushing, it was (dare I say it?) not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It was just so fast! And it was nice to be able to move my legs and walk on my own so soon after she was born. Natural recovery beats epidural recovery, for sure.
Once we were all checked in, and Amelia had been weighed and measured (8 lbs 15 oz, 21.25 inches long -- my biggest baby yet!), the rest of the hospital stay was pretty standard. Visitors, vitals checks, tracking the feedings and the diaper changes. Everything went very smoothly, and we were able to leave the next day.
Well, I guess that's about it! This was definitely not the birth I had planned...but apparently that's just how Amelia rolls. I've got a feeling she's going to keep us on our toes.
And while her arrival gave me one of the craziest experiences of my life, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Thanks for reading!
Okay, this is my first non-maternity
! Exciting, right? And maybe just a tiny bit scary because who knows what the heck size I should be wearing or whatever. But hey, let's see how this plays out.
You know about
, right? Just in case, here's how it works:
{about stitch fix}
is an online styling/shopping service. For a $20 fee, they send you five clothing or accessory pieces that a personal stylist has chosen just for you, based on your style profile, special notes to your stylist, and even your Pinterest boards. When you receive your box, you can choose to buy as many of the items as you want, and then return what you don't want in your return bag (postage is prepaid!). Your $20 styling fee applies to anything you purchase, and if you love everything, you get a 25% discount on your entire box!
So basically, it's a ton of fun. You can choose to receive just one box (no subscription required!), or you can subscribe to receive boxes every 2-3 weeks, monthly, every other month, or quarterly. Basically, when you need a fix, you can get one. That sounds weird, but whatever.
also offers petite and maternity options now, which I've taken advantage of for the past several months. Check them out, if you want: months
,
,
,
, and
.
{my stitch fix - september 2015}
I was really anxious/excited to see how non-maternity Stitch Fix works out for me. See for yourself:
Skies Are Blue Colina Mix Material Knit Top ($58)
first impressions:
Cute! Different; probably not something I'd be drawn to in a store, but cute! I hope it's not too short.
on me:
thoughts:
Cute, but probably nothing to write home about. I do wish it was a couple inches longer! I love stripes, and I love the little extra detail on the shoulders, but this is probably a
RETURN.
Sweet Grey Surrey Knot Back Tee ($58)
first impressions:
Ooh, I like! The knot on the back is super unique without being too "in your face."
on me:
thoughts:
Yep, I really like this one! It's like a basic tee kicked up a notch. Plus it's soft and well made, and I like that it can be dressed up or down.
KEEP!
Market & Spruce Sam Hi-Low Short Sleeve Tee ($44)
first impressions:
Hm, not super exciting, although I do really like the color!
on me:
thoughts:
Yeah, I do really like the color. It's kind of marled, which is cool. But it's kind of got a boxy fit. It doesn't really do anything for me. I'm gonna say
RETURN.
Market & Spruce Talia Printed Pencil Skirt ($48)
first impressions:
Nice colors and print! Much better than the crazy prints I've come to expect from Stitch Fix!
on me:
(sorry, I know the pics are pretty bad! you get the idea, right?)
thoughts:
I do LOVE the colors and the print (it's kind of a robin's egg blue with navy, and it's basically a damask print). It's also very soft with a good amount of stretch, but I can tell it's well made. It's a great skirt that I'd probably wear often...but is it worth the price?
UNDECIDED.
Liverpool Anita Skinny Pant ($78)
first impressions:
Don't know if I need dark gray pants that cost $78, but whatever.
on me:
thoughts:
Wow, you guys. I'm not gonna lie -- these pants are amazing. Super soft and stretchy. They are amazingly comfortable and basically feel like leggings while looking like dress pants. I kinda love them. And yet, I'm not sure I
need
them, which makes me very hesitant to buy them. Oh snap.
UNDECIDED.
{verdict}
This Stitch Fix box actually impressed me a lot. It's very much my style and all the clothes were super comfortable and cute! Just a couple minor fit issues with those two shirts. I definitely want to keep the gray shirt, but I'm honestly not sure what to do about the skirt and pants! Decisions, decisions. Either way, it was fun to get another Stitch Fix box, and also fun to not have to think about "Will I get to wear this
after
the baby comes?"
It's the little things, you know?
Happy Labor Day weekend, friends!
{Oh, and if you're considering trying out Stitch Fix, consider signing up through the links in this post, or
. These links give me a little credit with Stitch Fix, which is pretty dang cool. But hey, if you just like reading about it, that's pretty dang cool too.}
This is a tough one, folks. I don't like admitting what I'm about to admit, mostly because I know that there are so many people struggling with problems so different from mine, and those problems make my problems look more like "problems," if you know what I mean.
But I hope you know that I'm just trying to keep it real here. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out, and to be as genuine as possible, and to maybe help someone else who might be feeling the same, you know? I'm not trying to offend or hurt anyone. I promise.
So with that out of the way...here's the thing: I didn't want this pregnancy.
Um...at all.
As in, I started crying uncontrollably when the word "pregnant" popped up on that dang stick on that dang Monday morning. And I went to the store immediately and bought three more pregnancy tests. And when one of them didn't really look super positive, I convinced myself that THAT was the real one. So I went and bought two more and took those (spoiler alert: positive!). And in between all the Sonic drinks and the peeing and the paranoid-that-I-would-see-someone-I-know shopping was a whole lot of crying.
I remember Dallin getting home that night and starting to talk about his day, as usual. And then he really looked at me, and he asked me how I was, and I said "I'm pregnant," and he was like "What?!" and so I said it again. And then I just broke down and he just held me.
I remember when we first got married, I thought the idea of a surprise pregnancy was oh so romantic. Like "Yeah, we weren't trying, but we just couldn't keep our hands off each other, so I guess these things happen!" #winkwinknudgenudge . And I remember being just the teeniest, tiniest bit disappointed when we started "trying." I mean, where's the fun in that?
And then, three "on purpose" babies later, you're like "Okay, maybe we got a little carried away," and you love your babies with all your heart... but you're really just ready to take a break for a while.
But of course, trying "not to" is a whole different beast. You think it's simple, right? Just take the pill. Get the IUD. Hold everything and grab a condom. Track your cycle and your temperature and become super well acquainted with things you never wanted to even think about (cervical mucus, anyone?). Something's gotta work. Just do it right. Just be careful.
And the next thing you know you're carrying a 44 oz drink around at your third CVS run for the day, praying that just maybe those other tests didn't know what they were talking about.
And you feel a lot of shame.
I felt so bad for feeling so bad about this. How could I not want this blessing that so many people were, at that very moment, praying for? How could I be crying in sadness at a result that would have most women crying in happiness and gratitude? How could I be so cruel?
I didn't like myself for a long time. And I held off telling other people about the pregnancy because, quite frankly, I couldn't say anything without crying. I just couldn't deny my sadness. And every time I threw up or hit that wall of fatigue that seemed to pop up so often, I would think "And I didn't even ask for this!" Every time I got frustrated or downright fed up with my kids, I would think "There is NO WAY I can add another one to this mix. I can't do it."
It was rough.
I wish I had some great story about the moment my attitude changed. But honestly, I think it just happened slowly over time. It started with a conscious decision, maybe around the start of my second trimester. I recognized that I had allowed myself to "grieve." I had given myself time to be sad about this, and that time needed to be over. I needed to get over the sadness and start to have a little faith -- faith that this baby was meant for out family, that I have people -- super awesome GREAT people -- in my corner to help me, and that I could become a better person and mother because of this experience.
And no, I don't remember when exactly that happened...but I do remember when I
realized
it had happened.
I was driving to pick up two of the kids from my sister, who watches them while I work. For some reason, I had Charly with me, and we were talking about her upcoming birthday party. She had been insisting on a "Signing Time" themed party, but that day, she had temporarily changed her mind, and wanted a Sadness theme -- as in the character of Sadness, from "Inside Out."
My mind wandered and I thought about that movie. Have you seen it? (Side note: If not, GO SEE IT. It's seriously probably in my top 10 favorite movies now. Love it.) Well, as I thought about it, I thought about the surprisingly profound messages in it -- messages about emotions, and how they aren't always black or white (or yellow or blue as the case may be), but are often complex and complicated. Emotions play off of each other, affect each other, and rely on each other. The movie demonstrates this beautifully as the main character learns this specific lesson:
that sometimes, it is Sadness that allows us to feel Joy.
This phrase struck a chord in my head and in my heart. As I thought about the sadness that I had felt so many times over the past few months, I realized that it was gone, but that it hadn't been for nothing. I realized that maybe I hadn't wanted this pregnancy, but I wanted this baby. So much. I was excited to meet her and take her home and have her be mine forever. And remembering the sadness made the joy that much more meaningful.
And I thought about joy, and how I wanted my baby to feel it like Joy feels it in the movie, like I felt it in that moment -- unadulterated and absolute. I wanted her to know that she's wanted and loved, and that she always has been and always will be. It felt important to be deliberate about it.
Neither of my older girls has a middle name. I never had one and never felt like I was missing out. And with this baby girl, we had all but settled on a name, but it never felt 100% right. Not until that moment, driving in my car, when I knew that this baby needed a middle name. And even though it's possibly a little weird that that name was inspired by a Pixar character, it felt so right. And now that she's here, it still feels right.
Which brings us to an introduction. Allow me to present:
Amelia Joy Harris
One of the greatest joys of my life; and a product of one of the saddest times I can remember.
I hope this all makes sense. I hope no one hates me for writing this, and for these feelings I've had. I hope you know how much I love my kids, and how willing I would be to go through anything for any of them.
And I hope that maybe, if you're going through something that's bringing you sadness, it'll end up bringing you this much joy, too.
...in case you haven't figured that out already. I'm a mother (of four) and a wife (of one) and a lover (of Dr. Pepper). I write about real life, because I have one. Read more about me here, or just click around and enjoy! I'm glad you're here, friend.
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